Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Insecurities and People Pleasing


As part of the Insecure Writer's Support Group hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh, I am sharing my continual growth and self improvement that I've embarked on this year.

I will forever be a work in progress. And I'm down with that.

I've always been a people pleaser. Mainly to family, close friends, people I care about, and yes the pets are included. Okay, sometimes my co-workers and the boss, though with far less enthusiasm. After I embarked on a writing career, I found that I had even more people to please. People I didn't even know.

I generally get really good vibes from helping people, and I don't ever want to lose that. But then there's that unhealthy people pleasing. The kind that doesn't give off those sparkly vibes. The kind that wears a mind and body down because you've stopped living in your personal rhythm. I did that. I put myself last on my list. I put my health last. My needs were ignored because I was super good about making others happy. And my hubby gave me grief for this, but I didn't listen. I heard him, but I didn't listen.

I had to make some tough choices after awhile because my health slipped, and I didn't handle some personal stressors well. My doctor sat me down and said, "you're on a fast downhill spiral. I don't want to scare you, but it's fast. You need to make changes now" and you know, I freaked out. I wanted to see my baby graduate. I wanted to go to a convention and meet authors and readers and publishers. I wanted to go to Ireland with my sweetie. All of a sudden some very important aspects of my life were dangling in front of me. The unfinished dreams. The unfinished books. The unfinished story of my life. Scary!

And it was all on me. I had to own that I wanted to please everyone, and make everyone happy. I like happy - it's a good frame of mind to be in :) I like the feeling of making others happy. But there's an expense when you don't add yourself into the mix.

It took a couple years to get myself to a healthier place. It's still a daily battle, but it's a good one. I had to change all sorts of habits from food to exercise to social stuff, to learning to say no. I had myself convinced I was a machine. But I'm not, and since I can't trade in for younger, better parts, I have to take care of the ones I have.

I still struggle with this. I still try and take on more than I can handle. And I still find myself falling into the rhythm of helping others. Do I like to say no? Um, not always, no. Have I lost respect from others because of it? Yes, and it doesn't feel good. Have I lost friends over it? Yes, and it really doesn't feel good at all. Have I lost readers and fans because of it? Oh god, yes. It sucks!

But I'm one person. I have one life. I'm working each day to better myself in my professional life and my personal life. On most days, the really good days, I'm back on the priority list. Heck, I saw my baby graduate. *proud mama* I look forward to going to a convention in the near future. And in a few years I'm going to Ireland with my sweetie.

Do you put yourself on the priority list? If not, where do you place yourself?

Thanks for hanging out and letting me bare my soul!

~Ann Cory

9 comments:

Jamie Dement (LadyJai) said...

OH. My. GOSH! I am so with you on this! Me to a T! I hate saying no. I hate controversy. And I hate disappointing people.

My home life is so stressful to begin with. Taking care of my husband, a chronic pain/chronic migraine sufferer, disabled vet who can't work. It's all about being the only one in the family who takes care of it all! So I know where you come from. Believe me.

And then there's the health issues. Yes, it all builds up until it boils over. And what a mess it creates! I'm trying to learn to say no. I'm trying to stop putting others first. And I am trying to learn I can't fix everything!

It's so hard!

Ann Cory said...

Aww, it sounds like you take on a lot miss Jai - make sure you put yourself into that mix. Make sure you're on that priority list girl, it's so important. I feel the only way we can be better for someone else is by taking care of ourselves first. *hugs* And thank you so much for stopping by and sharing. Means so much!! :)

Shelley Munro said...

Saying no is difficult, especially when friends, family and acquaintances don't take the answer well. You definitely don't want your health to suffer. I'm lucky that I just need to please myself and hubby mostly. oh, and puppy. She doesn't take a no when it comes to walking time at all!

Take care!

Cara Bristol said...

"And I still find myself falling into the rhythm of helping others. Do I like to say no? Um, not always, no. Have I lost respect from others because of it? Yes, and it doesn't feel good. Have I lost friends over it? Yes, and it really doesn't feel good at all. Have I lost readers and fans because of it? Oh god, yes"

I'm not sure what you mean. Have you lost respect/friends because you put your foot down and said no or because you sometimes revert to being overly people-pleasing?

Valerie said...

very heart-felt post. i know how hard it is to even find time for yourself, let alone not feel guilty about taking the time. my husband and i finally had to realize that we weren't being selfish when we took time for ourselves; our family was actually better off when the two of us took time out. everyone was happier when we were less stressed out. keep up the good work and remember, those that matter won't mind and those that mind, don't matter.

Valerie said...

very heart-felt post. i know how hard it is to even find time for yourself, let alone not feel guilty about taking the time. my husband and i finally had to realize that we weren't being selfish when we took time for ourselves; our family was actually better off when the two of us took time out. everyone was happier when we were less stressed out. keep up the good work and remember, those that matter won't mind and those that mind, don't matter.

Suzan Butler said...

Ann, this was a terrific post. I'm learning how to say now these days. I have a big printed (in nice clear red letters) the word "NO!" on a sheet of paper and it hangs at eye level right next to my monitor so I don't miss it.

It's not easy, but your health comes first. Your happiness comes first. Those that love you will understand.

Eliza Green said...

On occassion, you need to say no and not worry about disappointing people. Chances are, they're leaning on you far too much anyway.

Sometimes I do things for people, othertimes I feel happier saying no. Its better for me, better for my health to have that balance.

I work with people pleasers and I want to shake them and say 'please be yourself, not who you think I want you to be'.
In the end, its better to be comfortable with yourself.

Ann Cory said...

Jamie - thanks hon, I hope you definitely take out some time for yourself. It's important.

Indeed Shelley - people don't want to hear "no" but the ones worth keeping around will understand. Learned that the hard way, lol.

Hi Cara - yes, I've lost respect and friends because I said no. They don't understand the reasoning behind it, nor do they want to take the time to listen. I'm learning that the ones worthwhile will support rather than hurt me.

Thanks so much Valerie :)

So glad you stopped by Suzan! I need one of those signs!! lol :)

Appreciated Eliza. I do so much better now with it all, just a hard lesson to learn.

:)